Sad

Journal entry from 8 March 2024

Today I feel sad. I don’t even know why. It doesn’t matter if it’s you that reads this. Or doesn’t. Or will. Or won’t.

Tomorrow maybe I won’t be so sad. Maybe I will. Or I might. Or I shouldn’t. I can’t know. Or don’t want to. Or won’t.

I have lived an invisible life. It has taught me the substantial difference between being looked at and being seen. Nobody sees me, but I have always been a pretty thing to look at. And touch.

My mind is all that has ever been allowed to be my own and there are monsters taking up residence there. Today I can’t be home in my head and I can’t be out here anymore. The world out here is a freezing sort of flame.

I used to be terrified of being forgotten. Now that I know so many people have forgotten me I worry about it less.

I try not to look at happy faces when I’m sad. I try to remember that I’m allowed to feel this way. But I can’t get home and you all see me drowning here. Gasping for air and smiling to keep the peace.

How many more days like today do I have to live in? I am a happy person trapped in a sinking soul and a broken mind. And I’m too tired to even put in the effort to elaborate on what that even means.

“Tired.” I don’t remember how it feels to be just “tired.” Seems like a dream now.