POETRY
For flying and other small dreams
It’s like the fading of colors
Like the dimming of lights.
It’s the waiting for clear skies
That don’t wake you at night.
Dim your pale lamp, child
Turn off your small light.
Turn on your smile, girl
And get out of sight.
Remember your curtsy
Remember to please.
Forget who you are now
And don’t be a tease.
I won’t tell if you won’t
It’s okay I swear.
Just let me look here
And let me touch there.
They won’t believe you
So don’t you dare try.
Just hold very still
And remember, don’t cry.
It’s like the coming of winter
Or the fall of the rain.
It’s the smell of the forest
While you go insane.
I am just the animal you made me.
Oh if only I could be angry
To shout and to scream
Let it all out and carry on
That is my constant daydream
You do not matter
Nobody cares what you think
You will not save the world one day
Nobody cares what you create
So do it for you.
Fractured
You know not
What it takes
To contain it
The unyielding
Ever present
Ravenous beast
Trapped and injured
Suppressing snarls
Ready to kill
Or be killed
I won’t yet
When I was free
I wasn’t here
I was me
And the sky was clear
But the storm
Came rushing in
And I am now
In the sea again
I did all
The way you said
And when I fall
I’m left for dead
And I won’t go where you want me to go
And I won’t go where you want me to go
And I won’t go where you want me to go
Yet
Dragged by waves
Upon the shore
For all I gave
They wanted more
I did my best
To go along
But with the rest
I don’t belong
But I will try
And I will fight
Or I will die
And you’ll be right
And I will go where you want me to go
And I will go where you want me to go
But I won’t do what you want me to do
Yet
And as I stand
Here On the beach
On sinking sand
Dreams out of reach
I could fly
If I had wings
But I can’t try
And I can’t sing
I’ll do my part
Care what you think
Give up my heart
Live on the brink
I’ll be free
Locked in this cage
Not as me
But as my rage
And I will go where you want me to go
And I will do what you want me to do
But I wont be what you want me to be
Yet.
What happens to the quiet one
Tucked away
Poems that screamed
Bled
The agony of existence.
Utterly Alone
A voice unheard
Seen
Read
Bolder than before
Writing the tears not permitted
Screaming truths left unseen
Fighting all the while
To be free of it
The Past
Gone now
Quiet
Blissfully alone
Ripping myself from the seams
Reality crashing
Thrown to sea
This is not the dark forest I once became accustomed to.
Why won’t they let me let go
Glass slippers
Shattered memories
Loop and replay
Fracturing time
Losing today
Shards of glass
Left from yesterday
Ashes to ash
I return to the earth
Clouds of glass
Distorting my worth
I wanted you, my baby.
To hold you in my arms.
I wanted you so dearly
To know your quirks and charms.
I need you to know, my baby
That I chose you to be mine.
I need you to know, my sweet
That you will be just fine.
I want you to understand, my baby
That life will not always be kind.
But do not be afraid, my love
For you are always on my mind.
I want you to reach, my child.
To do all the things you dream.
Chase your happiness, my heart
It is not as hard as it may seem.
Don’t you dare
Limiting my air
Holding breath down there
Focused on the fire
Hoping I don’t tire
Run me out of hope
Hang on your own rope
Start over
You’re trying to hold one moment in your hand forever and it doesn’t work that way.
Sister
I gave up my childhood for you
She did drugs and got fucked
You still choose her.
I guess it’s okay because she had a prescription
Eyes
In the safe places there are devastating flashes of darkness, but in the most of the world there are only silent slivers of light.
Hush, darling
I imagine myself on a music box, posed and spinning slowly to a mundane and twinkling toon.
I have been trained my entire life for this.
I decided to look into the mirror
And not be afraid of what I’d see
And within the deep inside my eyes
I found me
Along the unforgiving road I roam
Ever searching for a place to be
And when I find this elusive home
I will be happy
The walls
When the walls that existed inside my head to protect me from my trauma began to fall, all I really noticed was the abundance of space I now had access to create in. It didn’t matter that the world around me was shattered into smoldering rubble—I could see the sky.
I didn’t want to be in this fight.
Then and only then
Sometimes, at midnight
I hear you saying that you were right
Then
Then and only then
Do I hold my breath and wait for the sunrise
Then
Then and only then
Do I take the chance to begin again
Oh and then
Then and only then
Do I remember who I’ve always been
It doesn’t matter how strong you are if you get tired.
Pride
For those who have died
And those who survived
For those who have cried
And those who have lied
For those who have bled
And those who have fled
For all those who fight
And those who still might
Of course I don’t think I deserve it, but why should that make me want it any less?
I will love you still
Even if you should forget yourself
I will remember you still.
Even if you should betray yourself
I will trust in you still.
Even if you should fail yourself
I will believe in you still.
Even if you should hate yourself
I will love you still
Care for me well
For I was once dear
To someone.
You are very close
To being at your most
If only you go on a little longer
We had it in us to be heroes. We were all strong in our own way. Strong enough to survive. Strong enough to crumble. Strong enough to stay, to rebel, and to leave. It was survival of the fittest so you got good at knocking down or at getting back up. When we were outside and when we were at home; the fighting never ceased.
Let this be your respite
Let this be where you find care
Let this be a safe moment
Let the world here seem fair
When you feel controlled by destiny
By luck, karma, or fear
When you have a weary mind
Let yourself rest here
There is no end without beginning
There is no beginning without end
I am here waiting with you
So rest now my dear friend
Nirvana
To lose means to have once had
The good made better by the bad
To grieve means to have once loved
Like stars beyond the clouds above
To die means to have once lived
A life with nothing left to give
We could have been good together
In another life
If I had been less broken
I am thoroughly captivated by the idea of an eternity working out juxtapositions in my head.
I don’t deserve a home
Safe and warm within my walls
The echoes of hopeless calls
Daunting the task to prove its worth
The hungry child diminishes girth
Whispering rainbows aglow in the sky
Little by little I try or I die
But not here will ever I cry
If I could
If I could fly
You’d break my wing
If I could lie
My soul would sting
If I could try
I’d stand and sing
But here I die
A forgotten thing
Beautiful dream
Sleep here with me
And we pretend
It’s happy as can be
Beautiful lies
Tied up in bows
Ribbons and cupcakes
To hide away woes
Beautiful sorrow
Teach it to me
Appreciate sunshine
Die to be free
Reclaiming my power
Reach higher
Feeling my heart
Burn fire
Pushing through storms
I tire
Letting fear go
The liar
Your grip on me
Expire
Daylight whimpers
The weight of the sun
Shadows glisten
And with them we run
Carrying nightmares
When darkness is done
This hurt
This time
Like an avalanche in my mind
The calm
The still
I am stronger than your will