Shadows

How can one place hold so many horrible memories? I never wanted to come back to this place full of all the fears I held as a child. To this place the narcissist of my youth tormented me.

But something inside me broke and I fell for his lie. I came back to this place again and he found space for more pain, more fear, and more horrid memories. Everything is tainted with nightmares and everywhere I go is the shade of trauma—a ghostly gray hue—even the moments I enjoyed and the memories I once cherished.

Sometimes the worst parts spill out into poetry and make the deep wounds beautiful somehow, but tonight there is just the murky memories flooding into my present and filling my body with recognition.

Sometimes the nightmare wins and it is not beautiful. And I find myself awake, living in a moment I wish I could forget, vowing I’ll never come back here.

But I made that vow before. How do I trust that I’ll keep it this time? How do I ever trust … myself?