Toxic Environments

Photo credit: Travel to the Emerald City by LadyKraken

There are endless reasons to avoid victim blaming, but one of the biggest reasons a victim may not leave an abusive situation is fear. Fear for themselves, for any children they may have, or even for animals that may be in their care. A deep fear that resonates like ice in our bones, "You are supposed to be able to do this, but you are weak and worthless." 

The truth is, sometimes we can't. Sometimes the weight of all the worlds we have made ourselves responsible for come crashing down on our self-worth and determination to survive. Sometimes even breathing is a heavy burden. 

We are not alone. If you are in need of assistance, here is a nationwide resource to help connect you to resources in your area. 

WARNING: DO NOT SEND THIS TO ANYONE YOU BELIEVE TO BE IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION. ABUSERS TEND TO MONITOR THEIR VICTIM'S COMMUNICATIONS AND SENDING RESOURCES FOR RECOVERY DIRECTLY TO THEM COULD CAUSE A TRIGGER EVENT. IF AN ABUSE VICTIM APPROACHES YOU FOR HELP, OFFER THEM YOUR DEVICE TO FIND RESOURCES SO THERE IS NO TRAIL FOR AN ABUSER TO TRACK. 

Homeless Shelter (& Food Bank) Directory

Recovery

Photo credit: Lost in my world of books - Belle by giusynuno

Listen. I don’t have all of the answers. I’ve never claimed to. I have the worst days, and I have the best days, but mostly I just have a lot of perspective on my life. I know where I want to be even if it always feels like it is a million miles away. I know what I’m capable of even when the whole universe feels like it is conspiring against me. No matter what, I always keep the thought in the back of my mind that tells me I will always survive.

As a kid I adopted this sort of mantra that I would repeat to myself over and over again on those worst days. I would remind myself that I could make it no matter what. I would say, “It’s just one more thing.” Just one more. I can handle just one more, right? I wouldn’t pay attention to how many “one mores” there were backlogged. I would focus on the one in front of me. Like a bug trying to walk through molasses, I would move forward knowing I could handle this one more thing.

As an adult I continue this practice because it works. Eyes forward, head up, spirit strong from all the years of intense emotional and mental exercise. I can do this one more thing, and then I can do the next one. Then the next one. Now I can even look back and take care of that last one, too.

Survival is a practiced habit. Like any good habit it takes time. Keep going. It’s just one more thing.

Abuse

Photo: Falling Down The Hole - Alice in Wonderland by Cornelia Gillmann

She didn’t hit me, but she didn’t keep me safe from those who did.
She didn’t touch me in my bathing suit area, but she didn’t keep me safe from those who did.
She didn’t help me when I was suicidal or self-mutilating, but she made sure I knew when she was in pain so that I could comfort her.
She didn’t hold me when I cried, but she did demand that I support her through every difficult moment.
She didn’t hug me.
She didn’t comfort me.
She didn’t tell me that she loved me unless she needed something from me.
She didn’t see me.
She didn’t value me.
She didn’t make sure I had food to eat, or a place to live.
She didn’t protect me, guide me, or support me.
What she did do was manipulate me, devalue me, and erase me from the important moments in my life.

Childhood neglect. It’s not about what you did. It’s about what you didn’t do.