Many would likely find no judgment if I were to declare that my child is worth the effort for me to work towards my mental health goals, but the reality is I don’t view my mental health as my child’s responsibility. In offering that they are worth my effort to be healthy I am holding them responsible to continue to be worthy of that. 

No. That is what was done to me. 

Far too many times as a child I had to listen to the words, “I would kill myself if I didn’t have you kids.” No child deserves that kind of responsibility. It makes personal emotional autonomy impossible, makes obedience obligatory under threat of death, and forces a child to give up childhood at much too young an age. 

I am worthy of being mentally and emotionally healthy. All on my own. And I am capable of holding the responsibility for my emotional and mental health. The child I am expecting, and the future children I am hoping for, will have their own share of troubles and my job is to teach them how to cope with their own minds. That’s a task enough to learn on its own without having to learn how to cope with my mind as well. 

We will have conversations that equate to, “mama had some bad things happen and it means their brain doesn’t always do the right thing, but they are doing what they can to learn how to fix it and they are actually doing a really good job even if it looks too hard.” Because there won’t be any hiding my broken parts from my kids. If I intend to raise emotionally mature people who know how to learn how to cope in healthy ways then I need to lead by example. I need to be able to be vulnerable with my children and teach them that it’s okay to be vulnerable, too. They need to learn that sometimes life can hurt, but no matter how hard things get it’s always okay to be kind to ourselves and trust that the love around us will forgive our failings and allow us the opportunity to try for a better result next time. 

My children will never be responsible for my emotional well-being, but they will be afforded the opportunity to learn from it. They will learn the value of talk therapy at a young age. They will understand the importance of healthy boundaries and will know how to enforce theirs in healthy ways. They will be encouraged to feel their feelings and learn from them. 

I’m not going to be a perfect parent, but I’ll be damned if I do what was done to me. I may not be able to protect my children from experiencing at least some generational trauma, but I don’t need to make sure the experience it.